'bee,you'llalwaysbemyfirstcar'
一直太入戏 若即若离是你完美演技
havin'somuchtosay&watchin'youwalkaway,
emhtiwyats
能摆脱寂寞我什麽都肯给 就像个傀儡
我假装无所谓 才看不到心被拧碎
原谅我就是这样的女生
天使忘了飞翔
需要暂时的抽离，抽离这假装的我可以
失忆症是一种无法治愈的清醒
一个人离去 另一个学习忘记
像是鸵鸟相信时间是唯一解药
let this be my last word, that i trust thy love
(vya)
Saturday, July 18, 2009
im positive i miss you cos my tears fell when i said 'wan an' i wish i could hold on to something, but i cant be sure what can i hold on to. its been a while, a long long while. i miss you.
i feel like saying "heyhey" just like how i always do, but at the same time i dont feel like anymore.
as i walked home this afternoon under the hot sun, i thought about you. 我真的很认真地想要守护你 but, that was before wasnt it? like i once jokingly asked, "what if one day i lose you" your answer back then didnt last through till date. cos what i got isnt what you said. abandon, forgotten. or plain just ignorant. actually, it all dont matter to me already. it all once did, very much indeed. but people grown to adapt, adapt to block and protect.
我最幸福的事 当过你的天使。
if i ask you know again, "what if one day i lose you" im very sure i know what will your answer be, cos i got the answer already.
hate it to be stuck in misunderstandings and plenty of shit cos always have to apologise for mistakes that are not yours but its worse when it comes to people closest around you then you try hard to hold back those emotions of unhappiness but really not your fault.
dont scream at her. dont scream at her. dont scream at her.
we can scream yay its over, but then inside we do all feel we'll miss it silently like suddenly emptiness and lost as to tomorrow. no longer have to wake at 6 to go work. no more packing, no more floating, no more door and insiders.
post work emptyness.
i tried to smile, i tried to keep it going within. i feign ignorance and oblivions. (:
"i think i might miss commmencement after its all over, silently" and so she said.
but its not her sentiments only. its ours. to been through so many days in and out morning till night i think we all silently felt that way.
i havent laugh like that so much at those funny antics around. "aunty, 我看得到你" when the aunty going toilet. alot of nonsensical scaring at level 2 and 3 door corners and the touching everywhere to give reentry slips when the patron wana go toilet and alot alot of hahas.
losing touch of dates and days. just timing of 8:30am and 11:00pm go home. alot of 6:45am wake up. lozenges, liangteh, cai fan, wanton mee.. losing voice, and falling sick, sorethroat and cough.. and "this way please" "thank you, please move in" "please wait a while" "hi good morning, how many of you" "congratulations, this way please" .....
good thing i had my tiredness to fall back on, if not my disappointment would be too obvious. good thing i can just hide in my own silence, devouring that wee bit of disappointment, because of the exhaustion and sickness.
then, i suddenly had a deep fear. good thing it never happened.
at least this is much more enjoyable. the same place. the same time slot. it was much much worse. at least im happier than i was back then at the same place. people make the biggest difference, at least to me.
hang in there. the voice. the body. the soul. and you and me.
its not that when i dont have her then i start to appreciate but its that its really inconvenient without her around and alot alot of unpleasantness that rose without her presence
What Hurts The Most Songwriters: Steele, Jeffrey; Robson, Steve;
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don't bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though Goin' on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most Was being so close And havin' so much to say And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin' What could've been And not seein' that lovin' you Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go But I'm doin' it It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken
---- the song that was in me for quite sometime. this and "how to save a life". so remnants are found here. thanks to nissa & cj for this.
'whats ur name?' - silence... 'ur name is optimus prime.' - tries very hard to pronouce 'optimoo pram' 'op-ti-mus-pr-ime' 'optimoos prime' 'ok u must remember your name ok? must tell me when i ask u ok?' - keeps chanting 'optimoos prime.. optimoos prime.. optimoos.. opt...
- after 10 seconds.. 'whats ur name?' - silence...
is july one. now. things havent been smooth, but havent been too bad either. tired on the general but still can keep going for a while. been bored at home, feel a bit no-life cos day in day out eat-sleep-watchtv-online. but still, has been good.
bad dream last night. too real to recall. but it stays. crow. human. window. jump.
ps ting : haha not hard to think who ba. fifty cents :P
was it u at the bus stop the other day? i cant be sure cos u looked different. almost ahh out loud when i alighted when i saw u. n i was hoping u didnt recognise me though i doubt u would i walked to behind, cos i cant stand that moment its ur area so i guess it may be u. early morning, maybe my eyes are playing tricks on me.
but deep down, im positive it was u. but so what if its really u. so what?
make me so wanna fly. but from young, i really dont like plane. cos the ears will get very painful. even till now, if i dont take enough 'preventive measures' chewable candies (eg. mentos), sour plums and cotton wool are must haves. each flight is a scary one for me a nervous and tiring one. the take off and landing.
but still, i still wanna fly. just have to bear with the before and after and enjoy the moment.
it gets a bit rocky, it gets a bit rough but most of the time its quite smooth sailing.
hoho. suddenly i feel dont know what to do. nothing in particular. just a bit of 无奈感 also not say not good. maybe just nice enough to feel a bit helplessness so as to learn a bit of helpfulness.
i'm thankful for the cool weather today, although a bit wet. i like rain.
躲回温暖的梦 我一个人就好。
--- havin'somuchtosay&watchin'youwalkaway,
"...and talk faster, so when the peron walk away, can hear more things" thank you treble.
if i have enough courage, i'd say "you" dying to scream "YOU" but the moment when i didnt let that out its all buried together with "haha" it doesnt matter if you know or not huh?
"we're all learning to be incomplete people", she said.
june21. last year today. i was out on recce i guess. or at least i checked it and i think it was so. i remembered ending off at BISHAN then ending up at AMK. and remembered who i met and was with before and after. i wrote "and thanks, for making me feel better eventually. its your specialty" does that still hold now? i dont know anymore.
june21. two years ago today. there was a different somebody in my life. i wrote that i chatted with misslousy on the phone the whole night all the way till 5 plus. and till now i still rememebered the content. "we talked about difference between 坚强, 脆弱 and 逞强. we talked about intensity of pain and sadness. we talked about how when a particular spot is hurting will blind/numb you to another spot of pain, not that it doesnt exist, but just cause we cant feel it yet. we talked about changes with the existence of different people in our lives. we talked about contentment and dissatisfaction. we talked about how much we both wanna learn sign language. we talked about expectations and the way of dealing with stress level. we talked about the exact thing that hurts. we talked about special kids, about how wrong in our perspective. respect & space, much more than acceptance. about prefering the route(someone) which(who) hurts us the most. about escapism." i miss those chats about everything. haha. but well, those chats are draining. but still they work the best isnt it?
june21. this year. im struggling whether to go jog or not, after the bukit timah climb. and replying messages on my phone for jio to go sing k. and seeing your name on the list. haha. but this year everything feels lighter. maybe cause we grow older already huh. or maybe simply cause i've learnt to let myself go. that's different from letting go. but it works, so why not?
i like the way u start off empty. to empty everything then start off anew again. then i wonder how can i ever do that. not really, as far as i know.
chatted with her a bit today then realised i miss her abit alot. thou and horhor was not used but i can still feel her. at least i can still feel her.
yayyyy. got somebody miss me!
my aunt said something uber true about me today, about me willing to spend on food to try good food hoho. spot on. cos isetan basement got hokkaido food fair. wah the food there is shiok la. the kingcrab bun is good. alot seafood la. just nice for me. if one day i've to get poison-ed, i'll be poisoned by seafood la the curry bun is oishii la! the japanese curry that we eat with rice kind, its all wrapped in a bun, and fried, and tasty like anything.
i bought 3 books today and its weird that i would buy books cos its against my policy of spending money buying something you read once then wont touch it anymore cos you know the storyline already. but like i told my mom "your daughter turning into bookworm and starting to collect books"
received a message from the dearest girl at 8plus during dinner today. brought an immediate warmth. wasnt expecting her. thus was unexpected niceness. happy happy. she always remember.
i almost had french cuisine for dinner leh. foiegras (foil-grass) and escargots and cordonbleu haha. but too bad, the queue's a bit long and everyone around doesnt seem to have placed their orders which means we'd have to wait quite a bit after we're seated which means we changed venue for dinner. but still, wahhh the angmoh there all drink wine and meat all look uber happy. enjoy life, i'll call that. one day, one day i'll do just that.
on some chickflick now call "he's just not that into you" haha wanted to catch that when it got released a few months ago, but havent got around to watching then until i finally got down to catching those hot babes and hot hunks. haha somethings we all know la, why he's just not that into you.
she's leaving. im not sad. but im abit lost.
he's left. im not sad. cos i sad finish already.
im hungry ):
hey, we'll all start off anew. i'm sure, i'm sure. smile.
IVE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS SONG SINCE VERY LONG! HEARD IT ON 933 ON THE WAY TO WORK ONE DAY. THEN SUDDENLY, THE LINE CAUGHT ME. but i didnt know the title nor the singer. search for the lyrics was futile. until suddenly i chanced upon the results today. so happy. cos i forgot the tune. but i love the words.
can you? forgive me? for being stubborn? for wanting you to stay? for liking you yet not being able to ask you to stay? for liking is not that kind of liking.
finally, i finished the 2nd book they bought for me 《天使忘了飞翔》- the angel forgot how to fly.
its a very hard-to-read book. i gotta admit. it took me very long very long to read. less involved in the book. very easy to lose the flow. plus his style more aloof. but the very last part got me stuck to me then i just kept going on and on. and i finished the story. then i finally understood why everything was made to be so disjointed. cos that was the idea that the author wanted to give. i almost wanted to give up halfway. but im glad i made it through. red and yellow. i still choose red.
"i believe you" they seems like the most heartening words of the night.
and i thought i cant find my angel necklace liao. then out of no where i found it. i wasnt sad that i cant find it, cos im sure i hasnt lost it. 天使 忘了飞翔。
tonight, is the first night since a while, that i feel it again. the payne.
i hear the first drop of pitter patter. then i hear the downpour. so uber thankful for the rain. and i can smell the coolness in the air! it smells like shiokness~!
it hasnt come in like weeks? the longawaited rain! im glad its here before we all dry up.
finally. its the most apt word now.
but why must it be when im missing people.
but im still glad for the finally-rain. thank you this finally-rain.
Part I - Lead the tai tai life Pink Parlour & Saizeriya. Liang Court
Part II - Lead the celebrity life. Dorothy Perkins, Great World City. (Girls Night In)
Part III - Lead the chiongster life.
Pump Room. Great World City. Long Island Ice Tea. Sex on the Beach and Black Russian.
& My new bear is call Puddy (: (: (:
& to add on to the (: (: (: have been talking to vel about going tw next year (since everyone else went already) then she said she's asking her friend to go along too! and she'll be going HK this sept. haha. I'm praying and hoping that my mom will really let me go next year and i still wanna make my grad trip, which means i need to start saving saving saving!
i want go zoo, night safari, sentosa, marina barrage, keppel bay. i want cut hair, tree top adventure, wakeboard. i wanna watch pelham123, transformer, harrypotter i wanna read all 橘子，敷米浆，九把刀，蔡智恒 books.
OMG! XIAOGUI NEW HAIRSTYLE IS STUNNINGLY HORRIBLE. OKAY MAYBE SIMPLY COS NOT USED TO IT BUT PLEASE ITS WEIRD HE REMINDS ME OF DAVIDTAO - THE THINNER VERSION! AHHHH. MAKE ME FEEL SAD LA. COS HE NO LONGER THE BOYBOY CUTECUTE HIM LIAO. HAHAHHAHAHA. OKAY I SOUND LIKE A CRAZY FAN OF HIS. BUT ITS TRUE THAT I LIKE HIM ALOT (ABIT MORE THAN XIAOZHU) THEN HE REBONDED HIS BOY CUT HAIR INTO SOME WEIRD STYLE NOW SIGHHHH. GOT HEARTBREAK EFFECT. IM SURE. IT WASNT HIS IDEA. HAHAHA.
ANYWAY, I GOT A BIT ADDICTED TO HEELS. THOUGH MY ANKLE SUPPOSEDLY CANT TAKE IT. I SAW A PAIR AT 9.90 TODAY! FREAKING NICE. HAHA. BUT TOO BAD. THEN I SAW THE OTHER PAIR AT 24.90. FREAKING NICE TOO. BUT TOO BAD TOO. CLASSIC BROWN. SAILOR BLUE. ROYAL PURPLE. I NEED A PAIR OF SHOES.
OKAY THIS IS A WEIRD RANDOM POST. JUST TO FILL UP SPACE.
AND THE MONITOR'S BACK IN SINGAPOREEEEE WELCOMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEE! AND GLAD GLAD GLAD THAT YOU'RE SAFE. WOOOHOOOOO!
GO LISTENED TO KEN'S CLASS TODAY REIGNITED THE INTEREST FOR PSYCH AS I LISTEN AND TRY TO UNDERSTAND AND PLAY ALONG I REALISED I CAN SEE WHAT I WANT MORE CLEARLY BEHAVIOURAL PSYCH, COGNITIVE PSYCH BOTH IN AN APPLIED WAY.
AHHH. STOP ONLINE SPREEEING! HAHHA. STOP SHOPPING TOO! TOMORROW WILL BE THE LAST TIME (IN THIS WEEK) BUT WHO SAY GO SHOPPING MUST SPEND? I JUST BOUGHT 2 BAGS ONLINE. AND CONSIDERING ANOTHER TOP AS WELL.
VELKHOO DOROTHYPERKINS CLOSED DOOR PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT. AND HER PERFECT MANI PEDI INDULGENCE IN THE DAY. VIVO. AND ALOT ALOT OF ORCHARD THIS WEEK. SO MUCH SO THAT I GOT SICK OF IT. BUT I COMBED THE WHOLE ORCHARD STILL HAVENT FOUND A PAIR OF NICE SHOES. TANGS. FAREASTPLAZA. TAKASHIMAYA. WISMA ATRIA. CENTREPOINT. MIDPOINT ORCHARD. (OK I'LL SIAM ORCHARD FOR A WHILE) BOUGHT 3 TOPS FROM FOREVER 21. AND A TOP FROM ESPIRIT.
I HALF WISH I'M LOADED. I HALF WISH I'M NOT. OKAY I FEEL THIS IS GETTING A BIT BIMBO ENTRY (THANKS TO VEL'S GSS ENTRY) -THEEND-
Huiqi took the quiz Tarot Card Reading and the result is The Hermit
Briefly: This card as it reflects a deep thinker, someone who spends time in isolation mulling over the mysteries of life. Much time may have been spent this way, and now it is all about to change.
Full Meaning: This card shows an elderly gentleman with a robe and hood standing atop a mountain holding a lantern in his right hand and a staff in this left hand. It is the middle of the night and the background is dark, and offset by the glow - which looks like a star, emanating from the lantern. The mountain appears to be snow capped and the night seems cold and he is alone. This can signify an event happening at night or in winter. If you are not in a relationship at this point in time (!) , it is likely that you soon will be as this can symbolize the end of being alone, (!!) you finally find what you have been looking for, which may have been right under your nose. (!!!) Prepare yourself in whatever way is necessary. Maybe you need to revamp your image or put on some brighter clothes, rather than hiding yourself under a huge coat or cloak.
black canyon lunch egg?! where's the $1 egg?! then , we're like a walking brinjal trio. walking down vivo. cold lame jokes the whole day. ahh diva necklace. ahh page one books. ahh f21 tops. ahh no money. laughing at not breathing so as to fit into "s" then of "cos i miss you" incoming calls. of poking fun and laughing at people thinking they're laughing at us. then stare at them cos they stare at us 当 & 第一时间 & 外套
Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes Five hundrend twenty five thousand moments so dear Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure, measure a year
In daylight, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee, In inches, in miles in laughter in strife,
In Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes How do you measure a year in the life
(chorus) How about Love how about love how about love measure in love seasons of love seasons of love
Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes Five hundrend twenty five thousand journeys to plan Five hundrend twenty five thousand six hundred minutes how do you measure the life of a woman or a man
In truth that she learned or in times that he cried In the bridges he burned or the way that she died
Its time now to sing out though the story never ends lets celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
yayy. finally (: (: (: after so much discussion about today.
full attendance dpns gathering plus alanchua dorcas and hongyu at yuhui's place. mindy's picnic corner = alan chua's naughty corner. finally finished BETRAYAL (i can never rmb the full name) and we were all killed by the BEASTY TRAITOR haha. and a test of relationships on the table "this will make or break our relationship la" after when playing indian poker. then took pictures with tuan's dua leng gong camera, with the obscene-yet-cute-pillow. then rushed to JE to meet velkhoo to go IMM. but helped an oldlady crossed the wooden fence just incase there were splinters. then remembered left stuffs at yuhui's then was starved with boredom on the train. we covered the whole IMM and vel changed her macbook processing memory make the person at the counter so nervous cos like no difference. haha. then had dinner at secret recipe simply cos she wanted cake. so she had her choco indulgence and i had the complimentary brownie (after mains) SO RICH OMG I WANNA DIEEEE. SINFUL. with a capital bold S. then we talked and talked and talked. more like i talked and she listened. then we walked and walked and walked. then afterwards became she talked i listened. never have we talked so much so much recently cos no time to really sit and talk. but today just kept on going on and on about issues. about age matters, about future and people. wahh. is not easy to be honest about your words, to be frank about your emotions. and to tell each other what matters most. till i have to go home at 11pm. then i walked home under the streetlights thinking about people and space.
sometimes it always seems to me that while we're reassuring others, we are somehow trying to reassure ourselves. by vocalising thoughts out, by hearing yourself say and hear the exact words that you needed to. because at the end of the day, its not the others who need to be convinced. its yourself. they just act as a reflective surface. for you.
i wished we all knew what to do. like have the ability to snap our fingers and determine our directions.
i told her, im lucky. very. i know i am. the people i meet are never too lousy. maybe here and there will feel hurt and pain, but generally they are protective of me. not out to inflict harm upon me. people i know through the screen are nice, very nice. thats a sign of bless. they are definitely more than screen names as they made real imprints in my reality life - r2.stitch.tj.tiancai.jeremy. people around me watch over me to make sure i survive in the kind of way that i want, not really blaming nor scolding, simply giving in to me and my wilfulness. though i may selfishly want more. people love me though i'm not the easiest to love.
i know we care. & i write so i wont forget.
miss mindytuan, dpno. you please take care. we'll be fine and good and we'll be safe (in singapore) and we expect the same of you. we'll see you soon. soon. (:
The story about Northern Wind and the Sun. - from [没有蔷薇的花屋]
It’s get terrible when the sun loves somebody, The Northern Wind can embrace you freely, but if the Sun gets too close, you might get burnt. Since you’ll be burnt, no matter how much the Sun likes you, he cant get closer. He can only let people say how warm is he from far. That’s the only thing he can do
If you are gonna get burnt its okay if I don’t get close.
--- you avoid the wind's embrace and you avoid the sun's love. i would prefer the rain though.
cryptic. they complained so. cryptic meh? too narrative i feel too bare. too open i feel too honest.
anyway i want to be able to afford things more than what im capable of now. but something struck me sometime that i'm like spending more than what i should. i suddenly worry about things that i didnt use to worry at such intensity that i know that the family aint very well to do, but at least we are manageable - okay maybe a bit on the tougher side but we scraped past. suddenly it hit me that it may not be the case or wont be the case for long. somehow i feel. then my extravagant form of spending (in hy's term) lar-zu-ree is eating into me conscience a bit. but on the other hand, i really dont spend that much ma.
on japanese dramas now thanks to vel. halfway through the 没有蔷薇的花店 is not bad. didnt think of watching it at first but started and got hooked. the little girl is cutely sweet - shizuku the little boy is cutely cute - shougo the big girl is painfully sweet - mio the big boy is painfully cute - eiji the old girl is naggingly sweet -hishidasan the old boy is naggingly cute - master a show that (: ): (: ): all in one.
