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LFR. whyyou.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
many times when i recalled the dream today, i felt a rush of topsyturvy.
in the dream i saw him clearly. im not sure why he appeared in the dream, because i havent seen him for a long time. but im sure i saw him. but this time, he's on a wheelchair. when i hit my head, only he turned back for me. because he has the expertise, he ensured i was okay. but i fainted anyway. in the end, we both flunked the test - cause of me. he lied to save me from punishment. he pretended to fall to save me from getting scolded. at that point i heard him cry, and i couldnt help but do the same. i screamed for help "can someone help?!" and he continued to pretend to lose consciousness. but still, we flunked the test. no way to redeem ourselves. because we didnt make it to the final stop in time. cause he fell back for me. the officials came by to pass us the walkietalkie and i said "only those who are late will get it" cos the officers wanna summon us back to the meeting area. but he ignored it and continued checking my injuries. then i stood up and wanted to push him along so that we wont be late, but i fell cause the previous hit on the head was too hard.
at one corner, another 2 people flunk the test. and i saw her. i saw her crying. because she wanted to pass badly. but, he didnt express sadness. and me, was just guilt ridden. cause i knew he wanted it very much.
i kept seeing "nirwana gardens" in the dream. it must be cause of the trip. im supposed to go around returning those shirts to the respective places and then fall in in time. many times i couldnt find the place and got lost in the big big area. i kept going round and round to prevent myself from getting caught by bad people, but each stop seemed familiar yet not the right place. taking unfamiliar buses, seeing another friend - secondary school friend - and she said she finished her university studies already which was supposed to be 4 years. bewilderment caught me. but the bus pulled out of the berth before i can ask.
alot of broken scenes and i dont know if they belong to the same scene. but im thoroughly disturbed.
i know i saw him. it was him alright. so many years..
but, why him. why after so many years.
why for me..
renew. || 12:44 AM
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thechuchizhiwairubbishstory
Saturday, December 26, 2009
arhtu,
7. 84. 364. 2548. 61152. 3669120. 220147200.
i wanna say thank you thank you thank youuu (: (: (:
though we didnt talk as much this year,
though we didnt mesasge as much this year,
though i didnt call you as much this year,
though we were busy this year,
i didnt forget the story.
i didnt forget the character.
i didnt forget the =)
last year you said, 6 years is enough to complete primary school.
now 7, enough to finish secondary and JC both.
but 7 is enough, yet not enough (:
cheers & loves,
arhwan.
renew. || 11:41 PM
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hear her.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
she. wants to say bye.
renew. || 12:44 AM
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maybe that was what it meant.
Monday, December 21, 2009
the dream was freaking scary. of intensive scolding, crying, screaming and most vital of all - heartbreak. worst thing - you. full of you. of you turning violent, of you wanting to hit me, of you wanting to lunge at me to destroy me. of you spoiling my birthday. of you making everybody wait. of you constantly quarreling with me. of you and you only.
i remember vividly, that i repel the idea of approaching you. as i walk towards you, i wanted to hide. hide away from you before you can see me. ambivalence flooded me. but i ended up walking towards you because i have to acknowledge you. hit you on the back casually and said hi. as though we were still like yesterday. things turned ugly after a while. because you thought what i said was wrong. and everything spiraled downwards from that point. what saddened me to a certain point was that, i ran out of the room, behind a pillar and shouted the eff-word a few times while crying so hard.
i hated it the moment i wake, because the dream was excruciating.
goodbye you.
renew. || 11:41 PM
coincidental collide
a case of coincidence at play.
dammit la.
she told me to not doubt anymore.
it has became a case of 是又怎样不是又怎样.
for tonight, can it be just for tonight
that i'll grant the benefit of the doubt.
tonight, i'll choose not to believe.
coincidence it shall be.
but dammit. coincidence is for once.
then let it be the last 'once', after so many.
if you'd ask me,
its really getting increasingly unconvincing.
im trying very hard to believe.
i dont know in u. or in me.
if its really that case,
then u can afford to make it less stark.
yes, it does tip my balance.
but i dont know what's the mechanism going under the turbulence.
i hope one day there'll be cease fire.
if not, im afraid i would...
renew. || 3:13 AM
as we continue treading on.
seriously, i never ever felt i done enough.
not for you anyway.
but what's enough.
- what you've done so long.
renew. || 2:13 AM
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if you leave it to fate
Thursday, December 17, 2009
she was so true.
i could feel my heart tearing into pieces when she broke the news.
i could feel her beside me trying very hard to digest every piece of information.
i could make do with one less thing on mind.
but they coincide nicely.
i recalled about a year & a half ago.
just as she looked at me,
i dropped her gaze with immense guilt.
guilty that i didnt say the truth,
or guilty that i found out the truth?
did she know more than what i knew?
she repeated it as though the information didnt prick.
im sure it did.
she said she was clever, she said he was clever.
so who's the cleverer one?
just because its like that - we are thus in this situation now.
status quo.
that was the reason why i didnt like it.
yet at the same time i want to know badly.
*
back then, when i knew of it,
i turned to you
& borrowed a little of your time.
and now, how can i return it to you?
and i detest the place.
cause i left the place crying the last time.
renew. || 1:49 AM
怎样才能习惯
我睁开眼睛 却感觉不到天亮
东西吃一半
莫名其妙哭一场
我忍住不想
时间变得更漫长
也与你有关
否则又开始胡思乱想
我日月无光
忙得不知所以然
找朋友交谈
其实全帮不上忙
以为会习惯
有你在才是习惯
你曾住在我心上
现在空了一个地方
原来爱情这么伤
比想像中还难
泪水总是不听话
幸福躲起来不声不响
太多道理太牵强
道理全是一样
说的时候很简单
爱上后却阵脚大乱
只想变得坚强
强到能够去忘
无所谓悲伤
只要学会抵抗
原来爱情这么伤
原来爱情是这样
这样峰回路转
泪水明明流不干
瞎了眼还要再爱一趟
有一天终于打完
思念的一场战
回过头再看一看
原来爱情那么伤
下次还会不会这样
*
everytime.
that 4 lines caught me everytime.
renew. || 12:36 AM
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how presence can be absent.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
for a moment,
im sorry.
im sorry that i doubted u.
i wish so much that my doubts are unfounded.
but so what if they are or if they arent.
did i doubt u or did i doubt myself?
doubt my own conviction that i dont really care about you anymore.
"And when i was young i didnt understand, but now, i know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird. if i had to live on without you i know i could not do it.
- TimeTraveler'sWife. Audrey Niffenegger.
renew. || 11:00 PM
iamnotsad
(picfromcj)
if im am not
then why does the heart feels so heavy
& empty.
renew. || 2:13 AM
somanylied.
我输，我输了。
for a moment
i felt defeated.
your name appeared to be very stark amongst all.
shit - i mumbled to myself.
the few words that followed after then became salient
too salient for my liking.
would you have bothered to say anything if i had told you.
told you something i always wanted to tell you,
but only till now then i had the chance to.
the dreams are getting heavier.
i dont like it at all.
i dont want to see you in them.
and i bid goodbye silently to it.
只能说我输了，sweetdreams, wan an.
renew. || 12:42 AM
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thats for you to know for me to find out, right?
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
"xiao qi gui"
whereareyou.
renew. || 1:08 AM
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dontwanttoknow
Monday, December 14, 2009
i dreamt of you. freak. i dreamt of you.
i didnt know if its true.
but when i woke up i know its not.
cos its you.
i didnt remember i think i suddenly recalled.
freak.
dont let it be true.
in it, she hid the truth.
you didnt return did you?
): ): ):
renew. || 1:44 AM
pantry mascot (:
just wanna earn that smile (:
HAPPY BEARDAY (:
renew. || 1:37 AM
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house on planks.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
6 bedrooms. 3 for us. 12 of us & seafood aplenty.
sun very big. smiles very big.
renew. || 12:43 AM
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back to zero.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
i officially wiped my account EMPTY.
the last transaction.
declared bankrupt.
*
but anw,
me loves the 12(people) on the 12th(day) of 12th(month).
on the 12.12 morning (:
renew. || 10:40 PM
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what dont break you;
Friday, December 11, 2009
i guess its a much needed trip -
for you and for me.
though different.
more importantly, i hope you'll heal.
*
the bouts of rubbish laughters sets me against myself
as i try to tease apart whats real and whats not.
i have much work to do,
and i have much thanks to give.
for a moment there, i thought i saw you
then i realised, i was afraid.
in any case, i was afraid.
renew. || 12:17 AM
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we shall see.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
i took my first step. is it impulse or not? everytime i sign my name, i feel a false sense of excitement. it was a heck-la! thing, if i forever not gonna do it, then i will forever be keep WANTING so much for it. now that this first step is taken, everything seemed so unreal. like something unreal somehow got materialised. but that aside, i cant wait! months later, i dont know how many though.. i hope i will have what i want to have. and meanwhile, the whinings will change from "i want...." to something else. but, i finally stepped a step closer to it, after so long. finances issue will get sorted somehow, though im afraid of it getting too heavy. this 'want' has been around for so long, and there's a reason why it was kept at bay for so long. now that i just override the obstacles and went ahead, what's gonna happen then? things will fall into place right?
renew. || 12:27 AM
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merging brings about happyness (:
Monday, December 07, 2009
 one was 'served with the candles'  the other was 'volley in the rain'. 22 (: THANKYOU dpnsubay (: (: (:
it was just almost.
you know, i dreamt of you today you know, i didnt know how i survived the dream. you know, i woke up thinking it was real you know, i almost wished it was real. you know, i almost thought i wanted you back in my life. you know, imissyou.of course you dont know. and she kept saying "you dont keep falling into that shit" - in the dream. i think she meant it in real life too.
renew. || 7:44 PM
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we'reourgreatestenemy
Sunday, December 06, 2009
"compLete not compete." "i damn jetlagged but im still running!" "im slow! dont be behind me!" "im lousy.." "L" plate "go daddy, go leo" "in loving memory of XXX" "keep" "going" "4th marathon 2009" "12th marathon 2009" "imagine the impossible" "you are great". and the list goes on. overwhelmed with admiration. unimaginable. but imagine the impossible. from the bottom of my heart, i admire everyone who donned the white bib. and tanhuiqi will write.. "Follow me. Be the Last". GRINN(: *and i saw a few unexpected people today - stephen lim, nianjia, terry, nellyn.. (:  /thankyou misswong. thankyou.
renew. || 11:50 PM
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theheartrideson.
Friday, December 04, 2009
因为要比幸福更幸福。 therefore, 3peace.
renew. || 2:30 AM
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learned helplessness.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
i want to tell you badly how much i understand then for you know that you are not alone, but each time i held back that instant, cause i cant convince myself that im of certain help. i cant provide the answers to your solutions neither can i ameliorate any part of your pain but you are this existing entity which im well aware of which i want to keep loving. iloveyou.
renew. || 9:40 PM
thankyouverymuch.
suddenly, a group of guys below my block screamed "ROD LO!" in unison. so random, but i like. but they could have done it tomorrow. so that i can scream in solo "FINISH EXAMS LO!" also. that is for tomorrow, and as for today, lets go. hypochondriasis & social phobia - may you not back out on me tomorrow.
renew. || 12:09 AM
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♥ true loves.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
  [ just a short insert before i start work for the night. - havent posted for mine yet though] true blue italiano rocks. i have gotta admit.. the italian stuff done in the true blue italian way is freaking sexily good. its wayyyy over any pastamania or same. cant fight (the moonlight) -.- walas, chickenwing, daiquiri (not fantastic), asahi and lousy calamari rings with wonderful people makes me wanna skip the last paper. makes up for the lousy pics for the night though.
//thanks guys for planning for the bdays in this hectic exam period and thanks for all the effort that went in to all these. heartfelt thanks. (:
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gong lang.
Friday, November 27, 2009
老天若只疼憨人 你为何不在身旁 傻傻将自己捆绑 误把嘲笑当奖赏 老天若会疼憨人 他是否也曾设想 幸福是为自己圆一个谎 * 阁楼头 一遭看烟火 你 二话不说就走过 醒在 三更懵然的我 瞥见 四周盛开花朵 五分熟人儿不安妥 守在 六合垸旧角落 咬下 七夕遗憾一抹 苦过 八月青涩瓜果 九宫命理被谁反锁 逃不过他 十指掌握 失意红颜交叉摸索 走失而兜圈的扎裹
renew. || 11:50 PM
leave me.
"last time" are the words i add to the end of the sentence when i talk about you now. close is history. close the history. - but you are not transient.
renew. || 5:58 PM
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we wage war on the same ground.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
you care to pass me the survival kit? btw, plasters and lotions are not sufficient. add some ammunition. bahbahbahbah- and we all fall down (like soldiers). i dont know who's my enemies anymore - the profs or the students. * we sian-ed when its open book cos that means everyone is on the same playing ground but we sian-ed even more when its closed book cos that means everyone is level off differently already - subjected to zai-ness. so we'll hope that it is open book. but silently hope that people dont do as well too.
renew. || 1:01 AM
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i cannot.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
if i really dont like it how? i cant say can i?
renew. || 4:55 PM
hanszimmerishgood.
i feel that im on the battlefield, be it cause of the pearl harbour soundtrack that im hooked on or the lecture reading papers that im gruelling over everyday. [ there you'll be. tennessee. brothers. and then i kissed him. i will come back. attack. december 7th. war. heart of a volunteer. ] -youcanaskfrommeifyouwant (credittojj) (: its good stuff really. makes me go on. lets go. lets go. lets go. fightfightfight. they fought to survive. we shall too (:
renew. || 3:12 PM
- positivity can only go so far.
if Fear is not the Emotion for now, i dont know what is. when stakes are high, there can only be two options: chiong or siam. i dont practice what i preach. who does. information overload. knowledge undermanaged. brain unwilling to cooperate. body screwed up. relentless rain. perfect combination for F------. but no. we shall fight and charge full force.
renew. || 4:13 AM
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through and though.
Friday, November 20, 2009
"focus on what you can do. dont get struck on what you cant" -e.t.2009. good stuff.
renew. || 9:02 PM
from me.
what. what is it that you want.
renew. || 3:19 AM
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unavailable.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
the number you have just dialed is currently unavailable. please try again thank you. if you are tired, then dont bother trying.
renew. || 8:38 PM
iceskim
 iwantmyhappyfood. iwantmyicecream.
closemyeyes.
uber tired just wanna sleep.
renew. || 4:46 PM
thedreamsucks
the dream sucked. 70dollars for life - you choose the amount you deemed fit. i quoted 60 and explained my reason. he quoted 35. i fought so hard to live. i fought so hard to survive. i want what i deserve. no doubt, i failed the last part, but out of the three part, i think by surviving the first two i ought to receive something. i wanted to change to 70 - simply just by surviving to receive. a shot will get you dead. then all you will be remembered is by your beret. first part, you have to cross 4 obstacles, running to the opposite camp such that you have to remain alive. the opposite camp shoot as you run, shoot as you climb. shooting stops when you reached their platform. deep sea, cycling along a small platform on the deep sea, swimming to out'run' them, speed boat. and ultimately still gun shots. second part, in a garden, detecting enemies an old man sitting in the park. eyeing suspiciously, awareness heightened, and he suddenly charged at us. killed. he's not the only one. third part, basically, you just have to shoot whoever you see. except your squad. very excruciating. you just have to fire. hide. fire. hide. detect explosives. and, get left out. ah, maybe im made out to be in the field. * i still cant find my super uber expensive necklace ):
renew. || 3:08 PM
seletar sunset.
 thank you for the super ulu-ed and long drive
and fulfilling my long time dining craving at the place.
thank you for the one word by one word syllabled song that you all had to sing 3 times,
which made me cracked up all over that i just cannot stop laughing,
but still hear the song no matter what.
thank you for having to pei me cos i didnt want to go back just yet.
thank you for spending so much for my day,
flower & cake & dinner.
thank you for the k-session for me to let loose & let go.
thank you for sending me back home.
thank you for letting me go back to where i fell,
so i can pick myself up from there again. both places hold too much painful memories, where only by exposure that i can ever face them again.
thank you for making me hit the bottom,
so that i can go up again.
thank you for offering to stay up,
to make sure im okay.
though i couldnt take it though i did try,
in still hanging by that thin line.
i said i wouldnt yet i did.
im sorry.
renew. || 2:27 AM
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我怀念的 365
Saturday, November 14, 2009
 iloverainynights. they'recalledemonights. 再下场雨我才能够靠近 感谢我不可以
拥抱你的背影。
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theseletarwaters.
Friday, November 13, 2009
without you, i'll be good. if i have the chance, i'll go take a look at it again. i asked for it this time last year, but i never got it. it came one year later, but not from you. but im glad for the chance. one year late. diminshed effect? no. i still yearn for it.
renew. || 11:52 PM
back to scratch
on one hand, the scores dont stay so when you are not performing, you can always look forward to the next wash to climb up again. on the other hand, the scores dont stay so when you are performing, its actually very saddening to see split second success. your happyness get washed off just like that. get reset to norm. reset to null. to zero. to nothing. life doesnt do that. nothing goes back to nothing. it doesnt just revert back to a blank state just like that. the ironies of life. of reality. of stupidity. we work so hard for nothing. - false chance? - back to scratch? how do we iron out this discrepancy? leave the traces behind. they wont disappear but they can just be invisible to the eyes - like germs & bacteria. * who are we kidding? trying to outperform yourself or outperform others? we do not have the calibre. yet we try to fake it. i dont know if we'll succeed in the end, but i wanna give it a try. channeling all resources into it runs the risk of total collapse. emotional, physical. im willing to take that risk. [angsty] - i think this word is nice. but im not in an angsty mode. im just _______. * allele. homozygous. heterozygous. dominant recessive trait. keep going. you cant turn back now. "im so glad its only 10%"
and one week later it'll be.. "dammit, its 60%"
-same content. just pre-empt.
renew. || 1:23 AM
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in moderation
Thursday, November 12, 2009
i shall for now, protect - 我心尚未崩坏的地方。
renew. || 12:33 AM
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yuhui et al.,
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
(: thank you. finally. it feels good to feel good. thank you. so much work done for so much marks. before the day ends.
renew. || 11:53 PM
emotyadhtribyppah
it seems like today was for me instead.
i didnt know.
im sorry that you waited.
no wonder, today felt different.  thankyou for my 'drumstick' replacement & my two red eggs (:
renew. || 9:28 PM
oneoneoneone
i went back to look for last year's entry. which included last last year's entry.
i didnt feel what i felt the year before, nor feel what i felt last year.
im feeling a total new feeling, because everything's different.
but somehow, something telling me its the same.
and this time, i continue to wish for you.
2007:
just wanna say thanks.
for the peace & calmness, that sometimes you will bring about.
2008:
this year,i just wanna say thanks.
for the smile, that sometimes you will bring about.
though its only once in a while,which makes it that valuable.
2009:
i want to say thanks for your absence so that i can leave easier.
i've learnt, with and without you.
*
and this year, i found out a new meaning to this day:
"光棍节是一种流传于中国大陆年轻人的娱乐性节目，以庆祝自己仍是单身一族为傲（光棍- 的意思便是 - 单身）
一般男的光棍被称为「光光」，女的则称为「明明」，而成了对的就叫做 「双双」。"
 (she'll be happy to celebrate)
renew. || 12:18 AM
BLACK.
a bit more, and i think i will start complaining about SINGTEL. i'll either call them until they get sick or what. i dont know. rah. cant they make things easier and more comprehensible? its last week. thirteen. thirteenththefriday.
renew. || 12:04 AM
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the keeper.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
i dont know if it was cause i learnt to treasure my chances and times at the theatres, but the recent ones were good. perhaps, it cause it's hard to even make it to the theatres now not like before. heavy hearted nonetheless, but still enough to keep me glued. i had a few people in mind, or rather, their names penetrated the mind and i cant wash them away, so i let them stay. it wont help i know, but i cant help holding them. the worries and sadness accumulated, no, wasnt getting emoshit but was just feel a little heavyhearted cos i thought of some people. people whom i encountered along the way, people who came by and stopped and left, people who turned to me and i wish i could help. and also, people who are there but i dont know when they wont be anymore. i treasured you, but you left anyway. i was the keeper, but im now letting it go. i wanna try doing it alone, though i somehow feel i cant really.
renew. || 12:47 AM
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adopting the foreign identity.
Friday, November 06, 2009
i know what im afraid of. that day. i know what im afraid of exactly. maybe not afraid but something like fear i can so imagine it coming true that i dont feel like facing it. its not overwhelming; its actually quite light. but light is not exactly non intrusive, it taps lightly; making light sounds, making light intrusion -- until the point that its actually quite heavy. ahh im tired. but im still quite afraid. and this time, i have one more to be afraid of. my instinct tells me that my fear is not unfounded. that im in for a disappointment if i start expecting.
renew. || 12:13 AM
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for all the times you stuck by me.
Thursday, November 05, 2009
things are NOT going on well.
people are facing problems.
why is it that we are feeling more inadequate as the years go by,
and that we are finding it increasingly harder to cope.
shouldnt ease meets age and expertise?
somehow, thats not the case.
is it me or is it that this semester seems to be harder.
or do i ask the same question every time it comes to this time of the semester.
on a lighter note, something im grateful & thankful for -
i have people around to keep me sane and focused.
renew. || 2:00 AM
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for my own reference.
Wednesday, November 04, 2009
Tom: People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated. Tom: What happens when you fall in love? Summer: You believe in that? Tom: It's love, it's not Santa Claus. Author's Note: The following is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Especially you Jenny Beckman. Bitch. This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing that he'd never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie 'The Graduate'. The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parent's marriage she'd only love two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.
renew. || 2:17 AM
reel it in.
amalfi 135mins. not the chair gripping kind of thriller. not the breathtaking kind of action. but the story unfolds nicely, to reveal the answer that we all wonder within. the shots were breathtaking, the places were amazing. but halfway through the show i felt coldhearted, towards mankind. getting betrayed by the one nearest to you, simply is heartbreaking. but we're always ready to forgive. "time to say goodbye"
(500)days of summersimple but brings you on a up and down ride. throws you about as though you are bobbing in sea. that empty, that helpless. tom meets summer, and when summer is over, autumn winter and spring comes knocking. she says its quirky. i cant find the word for it. many ironies lie within the entired 95mins. simple yet heavy, deep yet simple. we knew where it was going but we harboured hope that things may turn out otherwise, thats what happens in real life too. though reel life always make disclaimer regarding any coincidences. it reminds me of you, albeit casual. im back on my movies line-up. it still is a part of me, though im still trying.
renew. || 1:33 AM
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letitgo.letsmoveon.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
"I dont forget people. Thats all you have to know"- & my heart breaks after. "Forgive me if you may not find me".
"Forgive me if I dont stop looking"
"Dont try. wont help""Thats for me to decide, not you." * Some people you have to let go; because it is only right. I'm sorry - maybe one day you wont be able to find me anymore. Its not that I've forgotten you, its not that you are not good anymore. Its just that, you remind me of what i dont want to be & bring me to the place in my heart that i dont want to visit anymore. Fragility is not what i can take anymore. I'll return when I'm ready to.
renew. || 1:55 AM
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我已下最后通牒
Sunday, November 01, 2009
i'm sorry. i dont know what else to say, but i feel sorry. sorry that you may have to go through it that im adding on to it. it was necessary. though it shall be the last. 我不想再为你掉泪 我了解 不会变 不再徘徊 开始自己的明天 我已下最后通牒 我躲在我的世界。 sometimes i wonder, am i the one trapping myself instead of thinking its you. because i realised, at times, i dont let myself go, after i let you go.
renew. || 1:48 AM
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:( WATCHINGFROMAFAR
Saturday, October 31, 2009
 IKNOWITSHALLOWEEN!
BUTWHYNOBODYSAVESTHEHOUSEBEHIND?!
THOUGHITHASAMENACINGLOOKTHATSAYSDESERVESIT BUTSTILLITSBURNING.
SCARECROWWHYDIDNTYOUDOANTYHINGABOUTIT!? :(
renew. || 2:31 AM
you had me at hallo.
 happy halloweeen.
renew. || 1:00 AM
unintentional
i didnt mean for it to be this way. i really didnt mean to. imsorry,ifthatwasthecase.
renew. || 12:29 AM
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long awaited anticipation
Friday, October 30, 2009
 powerpuff girls emerged. somehow, have a same tinge of similarity. is it the " if together very long will start to look alike effect"?!?!
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we both have atas friends
Thursday, October 29, 2009
we both used someone else as a shield when we ask the same question at a different time - the same somene else. to prevent misunderstanding i suppose. i wasnt expecting anything else, but it just struck me the sad similarity. i wasnt even hoping. i wouldnt dare to bet that it'd materialise anyway. coming from you, words seems to be just words and it seems like we are each from different world, trying to converge on the same spot, or not.
renew. || 2:24 AM
enveloping change.
 we shall see, as the answer unfolds tomorrow. (i realised i had similar styles here and there)
renew. || 1:25 AM
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i sing my own musical note
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
on a pissing note:d, dont always make me feel that coming online is my biggest mistake. rah. because of you. RAH. anyway, on a lighter note:FEDEX mission accomplished. "WE LIVE TO DELIVER" :) hope it was a good surprise. on a random interesting note:Dr. MW wondered why we three are always together. potato labelled us the powerpuffgirls. and even our ideas are similar that they somehow transferred through osmosis. what a way to say but yes, its only the three of us. my mom say we hang out too much that our grades assimilate. haha. and yy proclaimed "huh three of you" when she heard of us going to cut hair on thurs (just happened that that's the only time free & available) on a sleepy note:i know my body needs to sleep. but i aint allowing it to rest properly. not that i dont like it. just that, im afraid of sleeping cos of the nightmares that come knocking. but we all are that tired, crushing beneath what we can handle. on a future note:i dont know if you'd remember that day. and even if you do, you may not bother. i dont know if i dare to hope. i havent decide if i want to hope. so that perhaps its easier for me if you fail.
renew. || 1:03 AM
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watch it fly away
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
 if we hold on long enough. dont let it fade or fly away.
renew. || 2:16 AM
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contradictions with myself
Monday, October 26, 2009
 on the ground, it seems too far for me to reach to. in the sky, im afraid of falling as well.
renew. || 3:32 PM
nolstagia
i just realised today that, your existence is a mere absence. though, i didnt erase you.
renew. || 12:32 AM
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roadblock
Sunday, October 25, 2009
没有选择的我绕道驰骋 --- detour is necessary.
renew. || 4:21 AM
honesty is the best policy
before you can be honest to others, you must be honest to yourself. if not how are you gonna convince others, without first convincing yourself. 我们没有必要骗自己。
renew. || 3:30 AM
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if i count to three
Saturday, October 24, 2009
it used to seem so easy, to just drop a message, but it seems so hard now. part of the reason why i missed the USA trip was cause of you. because i kept you in thoughts, and maybe it seemed like you kept me in thoughts. its all a speculation, cause we all dont know if you really did. but part of me wished so, though i hadnt said so. i realised, i didnt even dare to let the phone ring. back then. if i count to three, will you vanish? but, i havent even start counting..
renew. || 2:45 AM
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disproportionate growth.
Friday, October 23, 2009
500 days of summer. the blue mansion. the sister's keeper. amalfi. dont make my list grow, when my time doesnt.
renew. || 1:58 AM
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if i were to pray and hope hard enough
Thursday, October 22, 2009
 (cj, i think this was what i was refering to the other time.)
this is the worst semester till date, i dont know if it gonna generalise to be the worst year. i hope not, sincerely i hope not. you hear me, dont you?
renew. || 4:03 AM
comm(u n i)cation
i used to like calls, with this i mean those for chats, not for information relaying. then i became adversive of it for a period of time. then i guess the effect lasted. i still sometimes dont like to talk over the phone, afraid that conversations will turn awkward, and that i dont know how to make it better. i hesistate at the moment of ringing, and decide whether to pick it up or not. i realised it all boils down to me being selective. to the caller and the state of mood at that point in time. during the conversation, i realise silence, i realise language. i pay attention to alot of things. and if i can, and if i want to, the conversation can last a long time. hours if my phone permits. silence can hold that long as well, and i never knew how silence can. you taught me how. and i knew how. whenever i doubt that fact, i think of you. back then, we're hanging by a line - a phone line to be precise. connected by that line, each in our own world. no, more of.. you in your own world - and you in mine.
renew. || 3:04 AM
'ssup.
"wassup?" "humssup." and it cracked her up. haha.
renew. || 1:10 AM
if you'd to believe me
does it matter? believe me when i say it does. so leave it as that, because it does matter a big deal to me.
renew. || 12:32 AM
remove that spot from me.
it wasnt meant to be, i didnt want to see any of you today. not you and you. but i saw you and you. ugh. i didnt want to seriously. walking towards either make me feel i just want to escape. immediately, with different feeling. why did you appear so frequently recently? im very sure you looked up, though i refuse to look up to see. but im very distracted by your presence. ugh. each and every time. and i hate it but i cant do anything about it. same initials, same kind of reluctance. but different kind of feelings.
renew. || 12:07 AM
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excerpts.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
it was a not meant to be joke for me i guess. the very existence of that slip of paper, pulled me back to half a year ago. it was a painful memory, yet it was like a chiding one at the same time. i chose to avoid it, thus didnt want to have it, but i realised i dont mind it in the end. cos, essentially it was what i put my heart into at that time. and this was a reminder of that, albeit a painful one. presentation was less than fine i guess, or at least our group feels so. inadequate preparation? perhaps. was just exhaustion in play. i tried my very best. we tried our very best that we can muster at that point in time. one more tomorrow. two more to come. and we shall face the onslaught. and i have to fall sick at this point. where's the resilience, and potato told me that i fell sick one of the previous semester as well, at this period of time where my workload is the heaviest. simply cos she remember i used "pre-empt" in the explanation back then. but yes, i need rest. cant afford it now. but we all need a proper rest. credit card hooha tonight, no time or effort or cognitive resource to go worry about it tonight. another set of slides awaits us. i dont know how convincing this sounds anymore, but hang in there people! & just when i was about to end, it starts to rain. just when i needed you most.
renew. || 1:04 AM
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天使的约定
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
i want to tell you that i care, at the same time, i wish you know that without me telling. on the other hand, i dont wish to bother.
renew. || 1:32 AM
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a foreign land to you is a second home to me
Monday, October 19, 2009
i thank you for the weekend, for everything that you shared. it wasnt easy, definitely, and im thankful, for being here with me. making the ramen more tasteful than it already is, by sharing the juicyyy story sharing good food, sharing fun times, allowing me to take a break admist all the nonsense. laughing about me being young once -duh, we all age! talking about future lives as though we gonna like get married tomorrow, and fly off the day after. (: but i love such times over dinner. then, i let you in on something that i havent told anybody but i guess, it wasnt as juicy as yours. but definitely insert some colors into my boring life now. (: but like i said, and like you said, i know what i want, and be overly cautious. but thats how we protect ourselves isnt it. and no, 187 didnt bang me - i told you so. haha!
renew. || 1:26 AM
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活该
Saturday, October 17, 2009
最近的你 很惹人讨厌 你知不知道 又野蛮又霸道 自以为是 你知不知道 想把一切不安转为动力 一直努力在逃避 似乎不去想就不会有事 真是天真的家伙 你真的以为这样就好?! 把悲伤自己扛 是你自以为是的做法 把悲伤留给自己 你说是保护的方法 到底想保护谁 或许是蠢 但是唯一不蠢的蠢事 封闭 你说是唯一能做的事 对不起。
renew. || 1:31 AM
like you did before.
you know how affected you are when your favourite tutor has no effect, when you have no way to concentrate on what you have to do, you have no idea how to avoid, you have to constantly remind yourself that it doesnt matter. 不想。不要。 不要看到你。 不想看到你。 its a want and a need, TO NOT SEE YOU. please conduct your disappearing act - like you did before.
renew. || 12:58 AM
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please.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
this is a hard decision. a hard choice to even begin with. bless me with the logical mind that i need, the rationality that i require. tears are to be kept out of bound. you are to stay safe and sound.
renew. || 2:01 AM
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plunging to the incorrigible state
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
i feel i write like a primary school child. the depth of my writing is becoming unbearable to read. why has it come to such a stage? beats me. it wasnt good to start with. and i cant write like how i blog, cause nobody would understand. & i really love my player tonight. it hasnt failed tonight. keep it up. you need to stay with me.
renew. || 11:04 PM
the same heart beats in the same rhythm
sometimes, i think my player know me well. 'cause, it will play good songs when i need it without me requiring it. that is a consolation in itself. without having me to 'next' incessantly. i wish my brain will work the same way as well. stop routing to things which it should not land on and should hinge itself in focus.
renew. || 10:45 PM
if you'd realise,
i actually mind it alot. a big deal lot of it. so please pardon me.
renew. || 9:17 PM
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all aspect ratios
Monday, October 12, 2009
don't let me sink. in all context - him & him.
renew. || 12:47 AM
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人质在这一刻得到释放
Sunday, October 11, 2009
在我心上用力地开一枪 让一切归零在这声巨响 我不挣扎 反正我也没差
renew. || 12:37 AM
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